The Four Types of People Seated Around the Table at Holiday Gatherings
By the time I hit “publish” on this blog post, it will be mid-November, which, for so many of us, is the beginning of the time of year when we gather to celebrate or commemorate holidays, victories, and losses with family, friends, colleagues, and professional networks. I imagined you making your way towards a plane, train, or automobile, and began to wonder what type of resource would be most helpful for you to have in your back pocket…or on your cell phone or tablet. Better yet, I began to wonder not only what resource could be most helpful to you, but also could even be shared in an openhearted and generous way with the members of your gathering. How about an overview of various personality types coming together for a gathering for you to pass along to your bestie, your manager, and even Aunt Sally? I can’t wait to hear what resonates! Keep reading below for the 4 types of people seated around the table at holiday gatherings.
1. The Chatter Box
Who instantly popped into your mind when you saw “Chatter Box?” From the cousin who is the conversation starter, to the uncle who feels uncomfortable with any moment of silence, Chatter Boxes span an entire spectrum as to what motivates them to keep talking! From wanting to lead the way in an inclusive conversation, to worrying that silence will open up the opportunity for an awkward topic to arise, Chatter Boxes typically value connection above all else. Chatter Box getting on your nerves? Bear in mind that they’re probably just excited to connect with you and are driven by their superpower..which is curiosity.
2. The Bulldozer
Worried you’ll confuse a Chatter Box with a Bulldozer? There’s no way. While the Chatter Box is looking to promote connection (albeit sometimes a bit over the top), the Bulldozer’s approach to socializing actually disrupts connection so much to the point where connection is nearly impossible. The Bulldozer, on a good day, could be the contrarian in your group—you know, the Devil’s Advocate type who just loves to play on the opposing team no matter the topic. On a bad day, the Bulldozer is the Narcissist Type who prevents others from sharing their experiences and continually hijacks the conversation to be all about them. How to handle the Bulldozer (or, at least count down the minutes til it’s over)?—bear in mind that they may have had one glass of wine too many, or they might be coming to the gathering from a place of insecurity. You can feel compassionate towards them without giving in to their viewpoints.
3. The Peacemaker
So often the Peacemaker is the matriarch of the family…but the role is not limited to women alone. Certain individuals come to the gathering with no agenda of their own other than to keep the peace. Often they are on high alert, present as anxious, and don’t even really get to enjoy the gathering. What’s actually going on is that in attempting to regulate everyone else’s experience by maintaining the good mood, they are actually working overtime to regulate their own nervous system, which could be hyper attuned to how others are feeling… with a side dish of people-pleasing to go with it. Your homework?—direct a really specific question towards The Peacemaker to make them feel seen. Nothing like “How’s it going?” but more like “I’d love to hear more about the painting class you took recently!”
4. The Clam Shell
Ever wonder what’s going on with Sister-in-law Sheryl? After all these years, does she really still not like us? I mean, we’re amazing, right? Group gatherings are a wonderful place to exercise empathy for the introverts in the room. When they shut down or seem withdrawn, (or when they hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes or seem to scroll the whole evening on their cellphone), it’s not that they’re trying to ghost you, it’s just really A LOT for them. Not everyone thrives in person in large groups. It could be nice to invite Sheryl for a 1:1 walk with you after dinner, or, depending on how dinner goes, she might want to go alone during dessert, and that’s OK.
Which of these resonated the most? Was it easy to think of family members or friends who fit these archetypes? What about YOU? Did you see yourself in any of these types of people? As you head into this holiday season, you’re now prepared with awareness. When we’re aware that we all have our patterns and tendencies in the way we show up to interact with others, we can enter these gatherings with compassion and do our best to meet people as they are showing up in that moment. We can remember that everyone is bringing different things to the table—from successes, to heartbreaks, to a year that was just plain blah, let’s leverage our self-awareness to hold space for everyone’s experience, love each other for who they are, and celebrate family and friendship with an open heart.
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