What Makes You Feel Loved? The 5 Love Languages Explained
By the time you’re reading this, it’s already December!—which, for so many of us, is right in the thick of the holiday season. Our culture assigns gift-giving as the ultimate expression of love at the end of the year…BUT! Did you know that gifts are actually not how most people express love? …and that receiving gifts is not what gives most people a sense of feeling loved as much as others ways of expressing affection?
Don’t get me wrong we all love a great holiday gift, especially those that have been handmade. Every time I look at these gifts from my friends that have been given to me I think of their love. However, I on the other hand forget birthdays, as gift giving is not my go-to love language. As an experience designer and facilitator who curates and creates events to connect people and create community, I definitely have the tendency to leverage words of affirmation and quality time as my go-to avenues for expressing my affection.
Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? Author Gary Chapman introduced the concept of love languages when he proposed that people tend to give (or receive) love in one of five ways: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts.
Before you head to the checkout line or click “add to cart” for your nearest and dearest, how about we pause for an overview of the 5 Love Languages? Read below for some clarity around those on your list who would love to receive a gift from you versus who would prefer a handwritten note with a few words of affirmation. I can’t wait to hear what resonates! Keep reading below for the 5 Love Languages explained, along with clarity around the question What makes you feel loved?
1. Receiving Gifts
In the interest of debunking our collective misperception around gifting culture, let’s start with Receiving Gifts. Chapman asked people who visited his website about their primary love language, and believe it or not, receiving gifts came in…last place at only 18%! This may come as a surprise, especially during a time of year where we are preconditioned to gift, gift, and then gift some more. Why should you care though? Let’s say you happen to love receiving gifts, which makes you want to go ahead and give gifts to others to show how much you care. But it turns out that the person on the receiving end might not be as enthusiastic in receiving gifts as you are in giving them. While gift-giving is widely accepted and expected in North America (and many cultures) during the holiday season, bear in mind that this might not actually be the way your gift recipient prefers to receive love.
2. Words of Affirmation
If someone doesn’t want a gift, what is it that they would enjoy instead? The largest percentage (23%) of people who took Chapman’s assessment reported that they prefer to receive Words of Affirmation. This can be a verbal expression, such as telling your spouse or partner what a wonderful life companion they are, or this can take the form of a handwritten note or an email to tell a co-worker what a supportive teammate they are. Think of the last time someone left you a surprise Post-it note or talked you up before you had to make a speech—how did that feel for you?
3. Quality Time
When was the last time you enjoyed a distraction-free meal, conversation, or experience with your loved one? Can you think of someone in your life for whom the most valuable thing they could ever get from you is a phone-free or distraction-free dinner date? Quality Time is all about giving your partner your completely undivided attention. Once this criteria is met, the type of activity becomes irrelevant—whether you’re hiking, biking, or cooking together, the only thing that matters is the offering of focused attention. Put away your phone, your headphones, and any other distraction devices, because all your partner wants from you is quality time shared together.
4. Acts of Service
Who in your life insists that actions speak louder than words? While it’s not necessarily glamorous, for some people, there’s nothing more fabulous than having someone do something for them. From the pile of dirty dishes in the sink to the dog demanding to be walked, for some people, there’s nothing that says I love you, and I care about you more than something being taken off their plate. Something that feels so easy for you to do, like taking out the trash or folding laundry, just might make your loved one’s entire day.
5. Physical Touch
Can you think of someone in your life who thrives with physical touch? For this person, a warm hug or simply holding hands can turn a frown upside down. It can even be more subtle. Some people can feel more seen and heard when you touch their hand or arm while they are speaking to you. In more obvious cases, your partner might be thrilled when we offer a back massage or foot rub. Is this you? Do you bloom when there’s an arm around your shoulders?
How do the love languages play out in my life? My husband and I don’t usually buy each other gifts, which people who know us might find shocking. On the other hand, he makes my coffee every morning, and usually at least one meal a day has been carefully prepared by him. Clearly, Acts of Service is the #1 way how he shows love to others. So recently my husband has been doing a lot of baking, and I’ve been doing a lot of dishwashing!
What about you? Which of these resonated the most? What is the way you like to express love? What is the way you like to receive expressions of love from others? Was it easy to think of family members or friends who fit these archetypes? As you head into this holiday season thinking of ways to express your affection to those you care about most, you’re now prepared with the awareness that not everyone gives and receives love in the same way. When we’re aware that we all have different preferences for giving and receiving love, we can navigate our interactions with compassion and empathy. We can remember that everyone is bringing different things to the proverbial gift swap—from those who love giving and receiving gifts and those for whom this holiday ritual is uncomfortable, let’s utilize this awareness to hold space for everyone’s experience at the holidays…and year-round.
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I'm your Connection Coach, Facilitator, and Experience Designer, and I'm here to guide you on an extraordinary journey of forging meaningful and authentic relationships. Reach out to me at any point of your personal journey to deeper connections here.
